If it’s too much for you, you need to do what’s best for you. A person’s own health and sanity is more important than another’s. If you’re the only reason they’re not doing something wrong (for instance the drama over a person not wasting their money, drinking, doing drugs, being promiscuous, or something as large as not committing suicide, etc), then they have to be at the mercy of their own decisions. And if something bad comes of it, that’s their own fault.
You can respect their position they had in your life in your own mind and leave them be until such time as you can deal with them, if ever again. And maybe to the point that they need to willingly stop X behavior, attitude, or mindset before you are able to do so again. Any hint of that, you’re gone before they can open their mouths. If they are presently where you live you can ignore them, avoid them, or move out. If they’re not you can simply stop associating with them, not take their phone calls, if you answer the phone, keep the conversation as short as possible. In the case of the internet, there is this thing called the “block” function for many sites, and if the person emails you you can have all their emails be sent to the “spam” filter.
Men can be tremendous compromisers and peacekeepers.
I surmised this has to do with our ability to compartmentalize. (And suggests that men “explode” when a compartment becomes too full and nothing else can be put in it).
Men show Love by compartmentalizing so they can compromise and peace-keep.
And perhaps women show Love by recognizing this is what we do and letting us win occasionally!
(And not over stuffing all our compartments with their crap unto them exploding!)
It really depends on what they are doing. Most things, sure, you work it out with the person. There are times though where I may stop loving them. It isn’t me going out of my way and choosing to “un-love” them, but I genuinely don’t like them after what they did.
sounds like Family to me eeeeeeh
half kidding. but there are people i dont like sometimes or dont like parts of their personality but my heart says too bad you love them anyway
and im sure there are people who feel the same as and about me
Love them in a “we are all humans and we are all brothers and sisters” kind of way? Sure. On a more personal and individual level, I can’t. If I don’t like a person, I won’t “love” them until I see them being a decent person. Even then, love is a strong word. I like to be careful who I use that word with.
“Love” is such an imprecise word in English. Other languages recognize many different aspects of it and assign each their own specific word: everything from erotic love to spiritual love to familial love to friendship to the basic respect and consideration we might extend to a person that we don’t particularly like!
And it doesn’t help that we further degree in the word by trying to apply it to inanimate objects or processes.
I have loved men who were womanizers and alcoholics. I thought that my love would change them. Love doesn’t change them. I finally had to get that out of my life and move forward. Although, with my late husband, he was not a womanizer, but he did drink a lot. If he flirted with women, it was at the end of the night and he was flirting with their shoes. I could always get him home to sober up. He had a lot of redeeming factors and he was such a funny clown that I could never fall out of love with him. I took good care of him until his death. I did not like his heavy smoking, or drinking, but there was not much I was going to try to do about it. He was an adult and knew what he was doing. He knew that his drinking was killing him. He knew when he had bone cancer that drinking alcohol while taking pain pills would eat his liver, and he did it anyway. When he could no longer drive and get beer, and I would not buy beer, he had his friends bring him beers while I was at work. It was killing him, but he was dying of cancer anyway. I loved him anyway. That was —- at that time —- the love of my life.
Life goes on and my new love doesn’t do any of those things. He flirts, but now he knows where his limits are. He doesn’t drink to any excess at all. He is easy to love, although it is hard to find his lips under all that hair on his face. I do manage to find them and kiss him. I love him and there is not much that would stop that love ——– unless Raquel Welsh showed up on our doorstep and wanted him.
Love is perhaps THE most powerful tool for change. Even more so than suffering and calamity! These are powerful teachers of change; but true love kicks their butt!
There is a catch though. Love cannot force the other to reciprocate. We can throw a lifeline of love to someone. But if they persist in a love relationship with something else (booze, sex, themselves), one can wear themselves out throwing continual lifelines.
It is good when someone is strong enough in love to throw repeated lifelines. But it is bad for them not to recognize when they are wearing themselves out unto their never being able to throw another lifeline to anyone.
You can still love a person who is doing something that you don’t like…but that person is risking the possibility of losing your love. I believe very much that you can stop loving a person, or I should say I believe in evolving love. You can love someone differently based on the dynamics of your relationship.
I like that response. Our love evolves; even unto loving them enough to let them walk away.
Or a misunderstood variant on this: when someone loves you enough to quietly walk away lest they hurt you. (This one takes some thought to see. Usually we are too blinded by our own hurt to see someone thinks their staying will hurt us more than their leaving)
i think it is very hard to stop loving a person in an instant. but we sure as heck can hate what a person is doing while still loving them. that is a very hard go for sure! that is when doing what is best takes some serious consideration…
It’s why we continue to love children to try our patience.
It is also why someone in the past — very wisely imho — decided to make marriage a binding commitment. They recognized that love is far more than just a feeling; something that can change from day-to-day.
I have never un-loved anyone. Lovers do what lovers do, and sometimes they do shit we don’t agree with. Such is life. Life is too short, (for them), for me to hold a grudge.
I still love the woman who used me up and threw me out like a nose rag! I can see that the hurt she dealt me was the Recycled hurt that someone else had dealt her.
And I loved her enough to not let her do it again 10 years later when she came knocking on my door. My love for her had evolved; but she was still stuck on wanting to relive a past dark episode in her life with a new partner.
I wish no ill upon her and still think fondly of the time we had together. I would still do an awful lot for her if she asked and I was able.
I would just not do anything and everything for her as I once would.
I’ve learned that love and relationships are two different things. I can love someone without having a relationship with them. For example, I love my friend. My friend is a drug addict. This fact changes the terms of our relationship because I need to protect myself and my family but I still love the person.. Making the extra move of “un-loving” them takes this to the next level and implants something ugly within me. Its a declaration of love’s limits and this runs counter to my belief that love itself has no limits.
One person can decide to love another (I’m talking about more than just erotic love)
But it takes the decision of to for true (do I need to say “healthy”?) relationship to happen.
In the case of an addict, they are already in a relationship with a substance, an object or process; a mindset or agenda; or just themselves. And it will take precedence over you.
25 responses to “Can you still love a person who is doing something you don’t like?”
If it’s too much for you, you need to do what’s best for you. A person’s own health and sanity is more important than another’s. If you’re the only reason they’re not doing something wrong (for instance the drama over a person not wasting their money, drinking, doing drugs, being promiscuous, or something as large as not committing suicide, etc), then they have to be at the mercy of their own decisions. And if something bad comes of it, that’s their own fault.
You can respect their position they had in your life in your own mind and leave them be until such time as you can deal with them, if ever again. And maybe to the point that they need to willingly stop X behavior, attitude, or mindset before you are able to do so again. Any hint of that, you’re gone before they can open their mouths. If they are presently where you live you can ignore them, avoid them, or move out. If they’re not you can simply stop associating with them, not take their phone calls, if you answer the phone, keep the conversation as short as possible. In the case of the internet, there is this thing called the “block” function for many sites, and if the person emails you you can have all their emails be sent to the “spam” filter.
My wife does shit all the time that I don’t like. BUT – we are together through it all – the bad stuff and the good. I will always lover her.
So, yes, I can.
My mom and dad argue all the time. But most of the time, my mom gets her way.
Men can be tremendous compromisers and peacekeepers.
I surmised this has to do with our ability to compartmentalize. (And suggests that men “explode” when a compartment becomes too full and nothing else can be put in it).
Men show Love by compartmentalizing so they can compromise and peace-keep.
And perhaps women show Love by recognizing this is what we do and letting us win occasionally!
(And not over stuffing all our compartments with their crap unto them exploding!)
I believe that we can too. “Un-loving” someone is just us trying to play a control drama on them.
We practiced this on our most significant others. But how far beyond them can it go? Should It go?
Acquaintances?
Co-workers?
Friends?
Even strangers?
It really depends on what they are doing. Most things, sure, you work it out with the person. There are times though where I may stop loving them. It isn’t me going out of my way and choosing to “un-love” them, but I genuinely don’t like them after what they did.
I wonder if it’s possible to love people that we don’t like!?
Or do they have to “render payment” (do something for us) before we can love them?
sounds like Family to me eeeeeeh
half kidding. but there are people i dont like sometimes or dont like parts of their personality but my heart says too bad you love them anyway
and im sure there are people who feel the same as and about me
A “starter family” is a good way to teach a child about becoming a part of larger and larger families.
Extending over time perhaps to include All-That-Is?
It is possible. Provided we don’t get distracted and then trapped into dividing into factions.
Including the greatest of all factions: “Just-Me”
Love them in a “we are all humans and we are all brothers and sisters” kind of way? Sure. On a more personal and individual level, I can’t. If I don’t like a person, I won’t “love” them until I see them being a decent person. Even then, love is a strong word. I like to be careful who I use that word with.
“Love” is such an imprecise word in English. Other languages recognize many different aspects of it and assign each their own specific word: everything from erotic love to spiritual love to familial love to friendship to the basic respect and consideration we might extend to a person that we don’t particularly like!
And it doesn’t help that we further degree in the word by trying to apply it to inanimate objects or processes.
I agree with everything you said on here, Jear77.
I have loved men who were womanizers and alcoholics. I thought that my love would change them. Love doesn’t change them. I finally had to get that out of my life and move forward. Although, with my late husband, he was not a womanizer, but he did drink a lot. If he flirted with women, it was at the end of the night and he was flirting with their shoes. I could always get him home to sober up. He had a lot of redeeming factors and he was such a funny clown that I could never fall out of love with him. I took good care of him until his death. I did not like his heavy smoking, or drinking, but there was not much I was going to try to do about it. He was an adult and knew what he was doing. He knew that his drinking was killing him. He knew when he had bone cancer that drinking alcohol while taking pain pills would eat his liver, and he did it anyway. When he could no longer drive and get beer, and I would not buy beer, he had his friends bring him beers while I was at work. It was killing him, but he was dying of cancer anyway. I loved him anyway. That was —- at that time —- the love of my life.
Life goes on and my new love doesn’t do any of those things. He flirts, but now he knows where his limits are. He doesn’t drink to any excess at all. He is easy to love, although it is hard to find his lips under all that hair on his face. I do manage to find them and kiss him. I love him and there is not much that would stop that love ——– unless Raquel Welsh showed up on our doorstep and wanted him.
Love is perhaps THE most powerful tool for change. Even more so than suffering and calamity! These are powerful teachers of change; but true love kicks their butt!
There is a catch though. Love cannot force the other to reciprocate. We can throw a lifeline of love to someone. But if they persist in a love relationship with something else (booze, sex, themselves), one can wear themselves out throwing continual lifelines.
It is good when someone is strong enough in love to throw repeated lifelines. But it is bad for them not to recognize when they are wearing themselves out unto their never being able to throw another lifeline to anyone.
You can still love a person who is doing something that you don’t like…but that person is risking the possibility of losing your love. I believe very much that you can stop loving a person, or I should say I believe in evolving love. You can love someone differently based on the dynamics of your relationship.
I like that response. Our love evolves; even unto loving them enough to let them walk away.
Or a misunderstood variant on this: when someone loves you enough to quietly walk away lest they hurt you. (This one takes some thought to see. Usually we are too blinded by our own hurt to see someone thinks their staying will hurt us more than their leaving)
i think it is very hard to stop loving a person in an instant. but we sure as heck can hate what a person is doing while still loving them. that is a very hard go for sure! that is when doing what is best takes some serious consideration…
in my humble opinion
It’s why we continue to love children to try our patience.
It is also why someone in the past — very wisely imho — decided to make marriage a binding commitment. They recognized that love is far more than just a feeling; something that can change from day-to-day.
I have never un-loved anyone. Lovers do what lovers do, and sometimes they do shit we don’t agree with. Such is life. Life is too short, (for them), for me to hold a grudge.
I still love the woman who used me up and threw me out like a nose rag! I can see that the hurt she dealt me was the Recycled hurt that someone else had dealt her.
And I loved her enough to not let her do it again 10 years later when she came knocking on my door. My love for her had evolved; but she was still stuck on wanting to relive a past dark episode in her life with a new partner.
I wish no ill upon her and still think fondly of the time we had together. I would still do an awful lot for her if she asked and I was able.
I would just not do anything and everything for her as I once would.
I hate ’em ’til they shape up.
Try the jackhammer and monkey wrench.
They may work better!
GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!!!!
I don’t think you can like them, but you can love them.
I’ve learned that love and relationships are two different things. I can love someone without having a relationship with them. For example, I love my friend. My friend is a drug addict. This fact changes the terms of our relationship because I need to protect myself and my family but I still love the person.. Making the extra move of “un-loving” them takes this to the next level and implants something ugly within me. Its a declaration of love’s limits and this runs counter to my belief that love itself has no limits.
@TruthDistillery
Well said.
One person can decide to love another (I’m talking about more than just erotic love)
But it takes the decision of to for true (do I need to say “healthy”?) relationship to happen.
In the case of an addict, they are already in a relationship with a substance, an object or process; a mindset or agenda; or just themselves. And it will take precedence over you.
Good to see you back! You’ve been missed.