I knew a fellow from my highschool years who claimed to have had absolutely nothing of challenge, interest or even note happen in his life. He was a straight B student. At times in various Christian support groups we would sit around and discuss the various hardships in our lives and our efforts to overcome them . He would just there, and claim he had never had anything but blissful family happiness; always predictable; everything running on an even keel. I knew his family and spent time in their house and could believe it. I don’t think he was covering anything up, as sometimes we do.
And he was a nice guy and all, fun to have around. But he was like a non-presence in the room. Not quite real. Very much a “go-along” kind of chameleon, unless we were up to no good: then he’d suddenly have other things to do. He was there, but not really.
What are your thoughts? Do we need challenge and hardship to give us character? What do you think of the prospect of having absolutely no “story”.
Have you ever known anyone like this?
© 2026 – SoulSequel
33 responses to “Does trial, hardship and challenge develop character?”
i am who i am because of what i have survived. or i survived because of who i am. some of it i could do without. id trade some of it in a heart beat. but i think im pretty great :D so maybe i wouldnt change all of it
i dont think anyone is without story or personality. maybe they just havent had that time of self exploration, expansion or realization yet.
i had someone in my life for a time who had what looked like the charmed childhood but ended up addicted to many things and being severely depressed for a really long time. i hope he is ok now. i use that as an example, because even tho he came out of a child hood i would have traded mine for, he was no different than me in that time and place that we knew each other. i think that was personality and biologically based.
@BelleMadre
Like you, I found myself at times craving for, and perhaps even jealous of this fellow’s blissful existence. He was the only child of loving and attentive parents, but was essentially a big “blah”! His life seemed to go beyond just looking charmed!
We’ve lost touch, but perhaps like your friend he could have become a prime candidate for addictions, driven by the need not to escape the heartache and pain . . . but to dabble with creating a bit of it?
I think it a wise point to reach where one can recognize that even the regrettable and “nasty” aspects of their past, have worked to make them the person they are today.
Provided the person they are today has used those experiences to grow stronger.
As opposed to those experiences using them . . . to grow stronger!
I could easily do without the heartache and pain. The saying might be what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but that’s really not the case… sometimes what doesn’t kill you only serves to injure you.
@Jear77
I remember how strong a person Christopher Reeves was even after he was injured.
Or Stephen Hawking.
Or Abraham Lincoln.
Or the Dalai Lama even after he was demonized and driven out of his home land and may be living the last days of the the generations-long existence of the Dalia Lama.
These “traumas” so very often become what “undoes” a person — drives them to want to dismiss and demonize vast tracts of their journey and story.
BUT they become vital parts of many of the too-few people who figure prominently in the present, and stand tall in the light of History.
@griz For every hawking, lincoln, or reeves you have a suicide, sometimes with the intent of injuring others as well (i.e. suicide bomber); a homeless or down and out (often drug-or-alcohol-addicted, sometimes addicted to other stuff like gambling) person; a failed marriage or other relationship that is unable to be put back together because neither side can ever see eye to eye again; and/ or a person who needs a lot of counseling to heal their wounds, medication to get through the day…
@Jear77
Probably more.
And each one . . . comes at the hands of mis-using a gift.
In the exact same way Adam and Eve did.
Connection. Make the connection.
And the inspired response is not just crabbing at the gifts . . . because we show repeated foolishness in wanting to misuse them.
The inspired response, is to wise up. And this won’t happen . . . amidst a steady stream of excuses and crabbing.
@griz that’s where you and i disagree. If pain is a gift, we would seek it out. But in order to seek it out we need to be warped, twisted, sick. So it’s not a gift, pain is a curse.
@Jear77
Pain is a reality. For now.
And a valuable one. Look at what happens to the body when physical pain is removed as a factor (leprosy). And when the ability to feel psychological pain is removed, psychopathy and sociopathy results.
Pain is a valuable thing. It is a sign of danger, of something wrong. Of “processes leading to death”.
Complaining about “what is”, is entirely counter-productive and damaging even.
Pain is a part of this world. But interestingly, I found that in eliminating spiritual pain, most of my psychological pain is eliminated or managed. And with it gone, even chronic physical pain isn’t that much case against Eternity.
(But accepted, that this is an asset forever unavailable to the person who convinces themselves they have no spiritual component in them. But freedom of choice means we are entirely free to choose this kind of crippling).
@griz that we need pain is not obvious at least not to me as things could be done differently. Consider if we were solely fourth dimensional creatures (instead of [height, width, depth] + time) or completely spiritual, but at a different level than the angels. There are iterations of existence where pain would not, could not play into things, as it would simply not exist to begin with.
@Jear77
And I respect that pain-processes are very effective blinders. And I only bear true witness to this, by having been there.
It’s not unlike the child not being able to get past the pain of the immunizing needle, to see it is moving him to a existence where they will be excluded from the greater pain of the ailment immunized against.
Our pain here today, can blind us to the option and active choice of moving through this “prick of the needle” (which any child will assert is horrendous-beyond-compare!), to an existence where pain doesn’t exist.
The child railing that they are a child . . . is a profoundly interesting, perhaps even amusing thing!
And I would stand by the witness that there is very great “pain reduction” here and now, by dealing with pinnacle of “spiritual pain” and letting it trickle down through the psychological, the mental, the emotional, to perhaps even the physical.
It’s so very easy to fall into railing against there BEING pain, that we fail to do all we can to reduce pain. (So we feel more apin, justify railing more against it, and we get “maytagged” again on the hamster-wheel of life regretful life!)
@griz there ARE methods to reduce pain, though not all are helpful – drugs, alcohol. But part of it’s like the old joke:
Patient “doctor, doctor, when I raise my arm like this it hurts.”
Doctor: “well then don’t do that”
The only thing I see in the bible and everyone around me who are Christian is a god that does not care if it exists. So it’s best not to do that.
People who learn (non christian) meditation can oftentimes need less pain medication for severe levels of pain. There’s also hypnosis, though there are problems with the fact that you’d have to open yourself up to being controlled and you don’t know what they’d tell you. As far as you know, they could tell you to do something you wouldn’t want to do and the hypnosis would make it seem ok.
@Jear77
One of my great challenges was to stop looking at the “imperfect” (the physical, other Christians) as direct and complete “analogy” of things Eternal and Spiritual. Because they are entirely not up to the task.
I do hear you that physical pain is a bitch; and a huge block to reconcile if one wishes to relate to an all-powerful God who still “allows” it.
I can only share that on my path, there was no way I could reconcile it BEFORE spiritual fellowship began.
It only came after it had begun.
And yes, I still took narcotic pain-pills when I cracked my ribs! The conundrum of physical pain doesn’t go away, any more than the prick of the immunization needle goes away when you can see the greater gain from it.
It just becomes less and less of an issue as when all you could see was the great big sharp needle coming at you!
@griz There’s more than physicality of pain. There’s emotional pain. If there is a spirit/ soul pain for that as well. None of these should exist, should have any reason for existing.
@Jear77
Actually I covered psychological, emotional and mental pain in another response.
The reality is, that saying they’re “icky” and railing against the parentals for “allowing it’ . . . still won’t change reality beyond just making you bitter.
@griz But you’re saying there’s a undiscovered panacea for all life’s woes… that can’t / won’t even instantly cure the shallowest of papercuts or light twinge from stretching to reach something… let alone diabetes, cancer, AIDS
@Jear77
Or discovered; depending upon which side of the block one is on!
Papercuts and soft tissue injuries ceased to traumatize me a long time ago. Safeguards against my own foolishness seems so . . . union!
And while I’m still susceptible to cancer, diabetes and AIDS, they don’t traumatize me just at their pondering as with some.
I know how to handicap my odds against getting them and have an advanced set of healing and coping skills I never had available to me back when I was on the other side of “the block”.
I try to harbour as few illusion and delusions about the true nature of Life as possible. So to do that, I’ve entered into fellowship with the very Spirit of Life, by choice.
And as with ANY FELLOWSHIP JEAR, THERE IS NO PRE-PROOF! One has to either choose it, or choose not to.
Both come with natural consequence; and one set of consequence is to date, demonstratively far superior to the other. I would sign my name to such an affidavit in a heartbeat.
Ask yourself, which you would be able to swear to under the most stringent of oaths? (For interest’s sake, resume advanced mind-reading of the highest order is in effect)
@griz I’m still not interested in such a thing, as there’s one problem on top of another. Nothing you or anyone else can say, nothing I can experience will ever change my mind. I’m firm on this assertion.
@Jear77
You’re not interested in fellowship or in Life?
Because both can be problematic.
But dropping out of them and avoiding them . . . uh, religiously . . .can prove problematic also.
@griz One word: “Drama!” If I had enough money where I don’t have to worry about working or dealing with anyone except who I want to, when I want to, and how I want to. I know how to keep myself occupied without this thing called work.
@Jear77
I find life has enough drama of it’s own. I don’t need to add to it; unless there’s a laugh to be had, a day to be brightened!
Money as lord, kind, and savior probably won’t work out as swimmingly as you’re praying it will.
@griz I recently made a series of mistakes at work. One, if it was as bad as they made it out to be would have destroyed the place (left a fan on overnight, they claim a fire hazard). I hadn’t made in awhile because I had been paying attention, but I was distracted. Even though it wasn’t stated directly, I’ve been put on notice. I have a feeling that one more, no matter how small, no matter how innocent, no matter how unproblematic, I won’t have a job. Literally. Then my choices will be none, except to do the one thing I do not want to do right now: risk my diabetic mom’s life with worry by choosing to move out to try the entrepreneurial thing one last time. So you tell me… where my concentration needs to be? My entire concentration (and more) needs to be on keeping my head on my shoulders to keep from making more mistakes; I have none to spare for anything else.
@Jear77
I’ve found benefit in distinguishing between “what it is”, and what my feelings try to convince me it is. With any kind of inherent social, perceptual, or functional challenge, the latter tends to very quickly run away with us — and compounds itself with each perceived failing.
I’ve made mistakes and been “put on notice” several times since starting my new job. Some were mostly my fault, and I have owned and in some cases, paid for them without being “required” (that got their attention!). Some were mutual cluster-fucks; and I’ve sat down and told my boss that I will own my part of them, if he owns his! He’s still working on this!
And some are almost entirely his, shoveled off onto me. I’ve made it clear that I recognize what it happening there, and would appreciate it if he recognized it too. There’s cases where I’ve been the one to “require” that the incident go into an official report — so it cannot be “amended in his mind” after the fact!
Being “put on notice” is simply a “covering of the ass” . . . for both parties. It keeps minor mistakes — liking forgetting to turn off a fan or a light — from being elevated into something different over time, (The story is told of the time you tried but failed, to commit arson!).
While I may have ideas about the paths of others, I can only know and interact with all the many variables and factors along my own path.
But I do know we are not NEARLY so unique or in so unique a position, as our victimhood might want us to think. Chances are beyond excellent that others have faced very similar situations and crafted solutions that work and ones that don’t. And we can learn from experiences of others, should we wish it. (And do I need to remind of the difference between learning positively . . . and just learning negatively!?)
But if we’ve isolated ourself from contact and fellowship with people . . . we won’t have this body of experience to draw upon. Only so much can be transmitted electronically. Slightly more verbally (just over the phone). We learn, in direct one-on-one contact with others. (And yes, MANY excuses MAY be found against this, but do we let them rule us, or do we rule them?)
And despite it’s many religion-based flaws, churches still offer places where people interact face-to-face. But so too, do country clubs, various recreation clubs, community assist organization etc. Plus they help break up and re-frame issues and “periods of attention” with period of distraction and recreation.
Isolating ourselves in a prison of ourselves and our situation is one of the worst things we can do. If one is seeking to “break” someone, the first thing they do is lock them in a prison. Then they move them into solitary. Then they add stressors with no way to get away from or effectively deal with them.
The sad situation . . . is when we set out to do most of this . . . to ourselves.
You asked in another thread what we need “saving” from. For starters, from ourselves!
The word character is pretty loaded but in the spirit of intent of the question as I understand it. Yeah, for me personally I think challenges shaped me.
My first job on graduation too me way far. I couldn’t cook, do laundry or pay bills. Trial by fire got me through.
That shaped my capacity to move anywhere and know I would survive.
Thinking back, that probably was shaped even prior to that. We moved every 2 years and I was always the new kid in the class. I hated that more than anything, but it probably enabled me to do what I do now. I am not shy now, although I really was for most of my educational years. It was hard, but I think back now as an experience that helped me become what I am today.
I have a theory about why most really pretty girls have no personality. They never needed one. I feel fortunate to have thought of myself (maybe a little less now), as something less than handsome. It forced me to try harder. It probably also helped me recognize superficiality when I experience it and allows me to walk away, knowing it will do nothing to shape me into anything any better than I am right now.
I’m not saying that I have never met pretty women…or handsome guys for that matter, that don’t have it all together, but more often than not they were consciously taught to be more, or started off feeling the challenges of being accepted first.
@spitfire3dc
Especially in the school years, those gifted with great beauty who played it up and relied upon it for everything (vanity), had no cause to develop other aspects of themselves.
Those who had it but for whom it was not their key defining character and “power”, developed normally.
I was sort of aware “character” was a broad concept and even a bit loaded! I think I’ve always been a person of “character” . . . but in the early years it was mostly teacher and parents saying “Watch out for that character!”.
Like you, we moved around a lot. And the “hardship” of always being the new kid both in class and in the neighbourhood, really helped shape who I am.
But I suppose I could have just as easily chosen for them to be my perpetual excuse and curse?
I see tie-ins to adaptability and “survival of the fittest”. Though I would propose that we have a LOT more choice and say than perhaps the T.Rex, the Passenger Pigeon, the Polar Bear in what we will adapt to and what we will survive.
@griz just another thought on pretty women that has occurred to me. Beauty, to me, has become something that has gone beyond skin deep. Sure, I’m not immune to a hot rack or sexy butt, but that has become more about art appreciation. Architectural symmetry. Poetry of movement…
My wife, holding out a spoon of tomato sauce that has been simmering on the stove for a few hours is more how I currently see the beauty.
I know I went off on a tangent, but just sharing triggered thoughts.
@spitfire3dc
It’s a tangential kind of day!
Art appreciation.
That’s a good one.
Mind if I borrow it?!
But yea; there’s the beauty of the physically manifest object. And then the beauty of character, of spirit.
One presence of one, doesn’t necessarily mean the presence of the other. And perhaps those unencumbered by superficial beauty, have to learn to rely on just being a character?!
the world is made up of different people – we all can’t fit into a ‘type’
@Fletch
But we all are Human.
Last I checked!
@griz you labeling me?
@Fletch
If the underwear (or lack thereof!) fits . . .
My adventures in life that gave me the dings, dents, gashes and scratched my paint have made me who I am. I learned a lot of lessons the hard way. It shaped my character.
It is true that the people who are like your high school class mate exists. There are people who grew up in so called normal households, but he couldn’t really relate to all that you were saying because he hasn’t experienced it.
I don’t think it’s impossible to grow if you haven’t experienced hard ship. It may take more intellectual prowess to do so, though, and an intent to get outside the bubble that is your own world.
For myself, that is not the case. I have had plenty of hardship and it has helped me sharpen my empathy skills and relate to others.
@Scarlett
No, it’s certainly not impossible.
But it’s as if hardship is an “invite” to grow.
With severe hardship perhaps being a point of “requirement” — a watershed where one either tumbles off the “divide” into growth, or off the other side into a spiral of anguish and languish.
So what is the determining factor? The “strength” of the event would seem not to matter. The “strength” of character generally factors out because everyone at some point . . . was a “beginner” and lacked strength.
I postulate that CHOICE is the determining factor.
And I thought a lot at the time about my friend’s manifest “lack-of-hardship”. It troubled him, that he didn’t “have a story” or “invite to growth” like most of the rest of us.
His “gift”, was a kind of child-like innocence and naivety. It was something delicate; easy to crush. But those who didn’t try to ride rough-shod over it with their own stories, found a very quietly pleasant guy to be around, even if we didn’t “relate” on a lot of things.