Intimacy is a strange thing, easily broken. Lots of marital problems are caused by a lack of proper understanding of their financial situation. And when it breaks in one point, it’ll often break in others too
@Jear77 intimacy- in to me see. do you let anyone in to see you? It has been said that if one cannot attain a fair degree of emotional intimacy with a parent in adolescence, they will struggle with this their entire life.
@Scarlett rarely. I’m a fairly private individual. Having said that, oftentimes if someone asks me a direct question, i will answer truthfully as possible. So the point is for a person not to ask questions they don’t want the answers to.
Behavioral psychologists already consider it an axiom that the earlier the basic needs are not met in a child the greater the impact it will be over time.
That’s why the formative years (age 2-4) and the post formative years (5 and up) are the most critical for a child.
The past cannot be undone so the strategy then becomes how to compensate without overcompensating.
The net compensation can be my appearing emotionally detached and distance from many (“Aloofness” was my inheritance from an interrogator/intimidator)
And the overcompensation can be a tendency to rapidly form deep and indelible emotional attachments to people who then may take advantage of it.
Finding the balance is a continual challenge, but seems to be progressing in a healthy fashion.
@griz that makes sense. I feel like my tendency to become too close too fast stemmed from early childhood relationships that were creating the wrong types of intimacy or none at all.
@Scarlett
Even with all the training and knowledge I’ve sought out trying to understand and compensate wisely, there is still an underlying desperation to connect.
I think about another reply I made to you this evening about distinguishing between the child-like and the childish. Early trauma creates a real blind spot for me in this regard.
It’s like something that exists in the Freudian Id, or the Rogerian organism . . . lurking beyond one’s ability to consciously effect.
It just manifests with a mind of its own, and the exercise becomes one of recognizing it and heading it off earlier and earlier each time it pops up and tries to go “boo!”
@Scarlett Yes. I think you have noticed, I am pretty much an open book; but I do keep some things closer to my chest. Especially out here on the internet. I like some form of privacy.
There was no hugging, or showing love in my family household. There was a lot of dressing me up and making me perform, while a stage-mother waited in the wings to beat the crap out of me if I was anything less than adorable. I got tired of being pushed onto the sets of TV shows. So, I worked on being less adorable. My brother was snarky and mean, but gave me the good advice to put space between myself and Mom. I think he made it his life’s motto until Mom’s death, and it continues. I have no friendship with him. We were never a family to say< "good morning" to start the day. As a result, I am not easily cheery in the morning. I often notice that I don't say a cheery, "good morning", but we always hug and kiss. I don't hide who I am and always wear my heart on my sleeve. So, my partner knows me well. —– Well, sometimes Immortal Pirate will expect me to react with the same reaction his late wife would give him —- and I don't react the same.
Example: Immortal Pirate decided to build a pirate ship that would take up half of the dining room. At first, I thought he was kidding. He told his grown children about his building plan. Their reactions were, "Cool, Dad!". So my reaction was, "OK. It is your dining room." However, his late wife would have said, "Absolutely NOT!!!" Later on, I aired my hope of having a dining room table in that room. But, scooching the table next to the pirate ship made for ship-side dining —— and we both win.
Now he knows that I am easier on him than his wife of 31 years, and I know that he enjoys projects and enjoying life to the hilt. He dresses the part and gets involved. He is easy to love and we are making up for all the lack of love and intimacy of my childhood. Somehow, I overcame the childhood I had.
@Scarlett I think you are right. I believe everyone should have freedom of expression, as long as they are not causing harm. How else can you get to know someone for who they truly are, than to stand back and watch them express themselves freely. You get to know that person intimately and form a bond. I don’t bar the way. I don’t judge him. I celebrate life with him. My own family has fallen away and the older we get, the more we realize that we only have us two. The children are off enjoying lives of their own. We gather as family. Enjoyment of life is what it is all about.
17 responses to “emotional intimacy”
Intimacy is a strange thing, easily broken. Lots of marital problems are caused by a lack of proper understanding of their financial situation. And when it breaks in one point, it’ll often break in others too
@Jear77 intimacy- in to me see. do you let anyone in to see you? It has been said that if one cannot attain a fair degree of emotional intimacy with a parent in adolescence, they will struggle with this their entire life.
@Scarlett rarely. I’m a fairly private individual. Having said that, oftentimes if someone asks me a direct question, i will answer truthfully as possible. So the point is for a person not to ask questions they don’t want the answers to.
Rather negatively.
Behavioral psychologists already consider it an axiom that the earlier the basic needs are not met in a child the greater the impact it will be over time.
That’s why the formative years (age 2-4) and the post formative years (5 and up) are the most critical for a child.
The past cannot be undone so the strategy then becomes how to compensate without overcompensating.
The net compensation can be my appearing emotionally detached and distance from many (“Aloofness” was my inheritance from an interrogator/intimidator)
And the overcompensation can be a tendency to rapidly form deep and indelible emotional attachments to people who then may take advantage of it.
Finding the balance is a continual challenge, but seems to be progressing in a healthy fashion.
@griz that makes sense. I feel like my tendency to become too close too fast stemmed from early childhood relationships that were creating the wrong types of intimacy or none at all.
@Scarlett
Even with all the training and knowledge I’ve sought out trying to understand and compensate wisely, there is still an underlying desperation to connect.
I think about another reply I made to you this evening about distinguishing between the child-like and the childish. Early trauma creates a real blind spot for me in this regard.
It’s like something that exists in the Freudian Id, or the Rogerian organism . . . lurking beyond one’s ability to consciously effect.
It just manifests with a mind of its own, and the exercise becomes one of recognizing it and heading it off earlier and earlier each time it pops up and tries to go “boo!”
@griz if the feelings of wanting to connect aren’t hurting you or anyone else, is the feeling itself wrong?
@Scarlett
I don’t know if we can call the feelings “wrong”. They simply “are”.
Any “wrong” would be in what we choose to let those feelings manifest, internally or externally: where we give them permission to take us.
I only share this information with my wife and my therapist.
@Gina thats understandable.
@Gina it sounds like you have created safe circles. thats always a good thing.
@Scarlett Yes. I think you have noticed, I am pretty much an open book; but I do keep some things closer to my chest. Especially out here on the internet. I like some form of privacy.
There was no hugging, or showing love in my family household. There was a lot of dressing me up and making me perform, while a stage-mother waited in the wings to beat the crap out of me if I was anything less than adorable. I got tired of being pushed onto the sets of TV shows. So, I worked on being less adorable. My brother was snarky and mean, but gave me the good advice to put space between myself and Mom. I think he made it his life’s motto until Mom’s death, and it continues. I have no friendship with him. We were never a family to say< "good morning" to start the day. As a result, I am not easily cheery in the morning. I often notice that I don't say a cheery, "good morning", but we always hug and kiss. I don't hide who I am and always wear my heart on my sleeve. So, my partner knows me well. —– Well, sometimes Immortal Pirate will expect me to react with the same reaction his late wife would give him —- and I don't react the same.
Example: Immortal Pirate decided to build a pirate ship that would take up half of the dining room. At first, I thought he was kidding. He told his grown children about his building plan. Their reactions were, "Cool, Dad!". So my reaction was, "OK. It is your dining room." However, his late wife would have said, "Absolutely NOT!!!" Later on, I aired my hope of having a dining room table in that room. But, scooching the table next to the pirate ship made for ship-side dining —— and we both win.
Now he knows that I am easier on him than his wife of 31 years, and I know that he enjoys projects and enjoying life to the hilt. He dresses the part and gets involved. He is easy to love and we are making up for all the lack of love and intimacy of my childhood. Somehow, I overcame the childhood I had.
@ladybarbara maybe you respond, rather than react
@Scarlett I think you are right. I believe everyone should have freedom of expression, as long as they are not causing harm. How else can you get to know someone for who they truly are, than to stand back and watch them express themselves freely. You get to know that person intimately and form a bond. I don’t bar the way. I don’t judge him. I celebrate life with him. My own family has fallen away and the older we get, the more we realize that we only have us two. The children are off enjoying lives of their own. We gather as family. Enjoyment of life is what it is all about.
@luftballooneyegouge funny