I have several times in the last month had to deal with some very sensitive people, one of whom has a mental illness, so I was just wondering to what extent I am responsible for the fact that I unintentionally hurt their feelings. How much should I feel guilty about it?
The reason for their offence was misreading my facial expression, or the fact that my opinion differed from theirs
© 2026 – SoulSequel
71 responses to “If you don’t mean offence, are you still responsible for people taking offence?”
Unless one has habitually seared their conscience, it’s usually a pretty good guide.
And one can still be a person of conscience without being held for ransom by “professional offense- takers”. (They are presumptuous at best, thieves at worst, taking something from a person that was never offered to them).
It’s not hard to recognize them, and let their bid for control of ( gaining personal energy from) you . . Just bounce off your shields.
Also, responsibility is not automatically equatable with fault or blame. Responsibility for even inadvertent consequences can be a valuable tool for learning about others, introspection, and keeping the peace.
And you probably already have a good answer for when it comes to mental illness. Such a person is not in proper control of themselves (perceptions, reactions, feelings).
Those of us who are should be able to extend certain considerations towards them.
@griz Good advice. The mental illness one is easier said than done, as it’s my father, who drains a LOT of energy from everyone around him, trying to accommodate him and keep him happy. It’s really stressful, and almost impossible not to upset him somehow.
@georockstar09
Caring for a mentally ill parent is a real energy drain. You are shouldering a responsibility for them that they are unable to completely shoulder for themselves. And you would benefit from time away from them to “recreate” your energy. Are there others (like siblings) who can share in this responsibility?
I think about the phrase “keeping them happy”. As in, is this our job, particularly when it comes to other adults? Anyone can choose to be happy or unhappy with others bending over backwards for them. So striving for the “happiness goal” simply puts you under their control. And it is a bad thing to be under the control of someone who is mentally infirm.
Even with children, it is very bad parenting to just cater to their happiness. A good parent cares for their needs.
So you will need to be your father’s parent, and wisely assess his true needs. Because trying to cater to his happiness will just run you ragged.
I once helped a friend care for his aging mother, driving her around to various appointments. All her children were convinced she was senile. But in our time together she confessed to me that while senility was knocking at the door she was also playing it up. Because this was the only way she could see to keep their attention (energy) coming her way.
@griz Heh. Some really good points there.
My father indeed has the behavior and emotions of a preschooler (“I want it my way and I want it now” kind of thing). Unfortunately, when we say “no”, or when we try to voice our own opinion about something he’s trying to do, he misreads that as hostility and becomes very aggressive (hence keeping him contented all the time). Add complete lack of self awareness of his behavior in the mix….
Luckily I am NOT the one shouldering most of the burden. That would be my Mom, and I’m trying to push her to get him to see a psychiatrist because, after all, he’s suffered severe brain damage, and has never been assessed for it. But it sure was hell visiting my parents this summer.
So back to the subject of offence, I think you might be right that it’s a way of manipulation, though in my father’s case, there might also be an element of anxiety and irrational fear (he uses family members as a shield against the scary outside world, and gets angry at family members when he doesn’t get what he wants). But I have witnessed in him the whole “Do this for me or I will be extremely unhappy and upset if you don’t”. So maybe I should just stop feeling guilty about the times he got upset because I voiced my opinions…
@georockstar09
My mom suffered on-going mental illness when I was just a boy. I grew up in that “alternate reality” of learning tactics just to survive (and perhaps even flourish) in such a toxic environment. (My older brother bugged-out to go live with a girlfriend’s family, my dad was always off trying to earn enough money to sustain the family and pay for experimental treatments not approved by our healthcare, my younger brother was significantly younger, so much of this was carried by me).
It’s only in hindsight that I can see much of this clearly, and with new eyes. On one hand, I was “spared” a lot of things by her dying in my teens. But on the other, I’m left trying to reconcile all of these feelings against “a ghost”.
I found that in order to forgive her, I had to cast a very strong division between the person, and the illness.
How much of it was the person acting aggressively against me . . . and how much of it was the illness?
And I wonder if you might benefit from something similar? When your father rages and manipulates like this, how much of it is your dad . . . and how much of it is just the illness?
There is a caution here however. I went from totally blaming the person, to wanting to totally blame the illness and free my mother from all blame or responsibility for the abuses inflicted.
It was a mix of the two.
@griz Wow, I’m having the exact same experience! I can’t decide what part of my Dad’s actions are the illness, and what part of it is him being a jerk. Usually, when I’m away from him for a long time, I forgive him and blame the illness, but when I visit my parents, it opens up a whole new host of bad feelings. Actually, analyzing things here in writing has helped me shed a lot of perspective on the whole situation.
What happened to your mother? Did she die of the mental illness? (If you don’t mind me asking). My Dad suffered severe brain damage.
@georockstar09
She died from complications of the drugs used to treat the Lupus that was the main physical ailment; manifest in rheumatoid arthritis. Much, or most of the mental illness came as a result of dealing with the physical ailment, and knowing it was both progressive and terminal.
But others from that side of the family also displayed various psychological indicators: so we’re back to a “who can know for sure?”!
I just know that totally blaming it all on the illness was not the path to healing. What I’ve settled on today, is the acceptance that there was likely some “jerk” there; some conscious poor choice; some darkness.
Such as is evident in all humans. I can forgive her for being human. And I can allow that she had an illness that weighed heavily on her; magnifying quirks and foibles of her character, and preventing her from seeing the full impact it was having on me.
Chances are good that your father also does not see the impact his actions and words are having on you; Orsi’s them and is unable to properly assess them.
Brain damage is one that never came up in my mom’s case. You are going to have to write your own Playbook on that one: how much of what he says and does is the adult, how much is the child, how much is the illness. What is or isn’t he accountable for — and how accountable will you choose to hold him?
And how will you carry that extra weight that has been put upon you, without losing your good and essential memories of “Dad”?
We are a part of our parents; and they a part of us. Dealing with illnesses like this is hard because it tends to strike at the very heart of not just who they are but who we are as well.
I sometimes shared on group that I am a man of no regrets. But thinking about it again I may have one.
Waiting until after she was gone to try to reconcile/be at peace with her . . . And her memory living within me.
The path before you is difficult. But probably not as difficult as waiting until after he is gone to find some reconciliation with him, with yourself, with the feelings between a son and his father.
@griz Hi, sorry for not replying (my internet has been problematic) but that sounds like it was a really tough situation. But admitting that my father is a jerk hasn’t helped me much, only added to the anger. Granted, there are some things he did that are not explainable by brain damage, things like random but purposeful destruction of my property for no reason. And other behaviors that made it look like he actually hated me. I don’t know how I can reconcile with a person like that… so by now I’ve kind of accepted that I probably never will. But it has been kind of helpful to analyze the situation here, and learn that all these times he’s been “offended” and throwing temper tantrums, those were his ways of manipulating us and that we really should respond to them differently and not cave in to his intimidation.
I just wish I could get my mother away from him, but she knows he has absolutely no chance of a decent life unless he lives with her.
Thanks for sharing!
@georockstar09
Reconciling with the actual person will only happen if they agree to meet you halfway.
But you can reconcile them having done it in the responses within you, even if they don’t agree to participate.
You take back control over your own self.
If you don’t mean it, and they take it; it’s because they want to take it.
Let them have it, as your gift to them.
The only caveat being that you REALLY don’t mean it. Maybe you do and you just don’t know it. If you face is transmitting an expression that can be mistakenly interpreted, then maybe you are a passive aggressive person, which is just a chickenshit aggressive person. No offense intended.
@spitfire3dc
“If you don’t mean it, and they take it; it’s because they want to take it.” this! yes! or something along those lines. i was trying to explain to my son that how others react is in them. i dont think we should go around being total jerks to one another, in fact i think the opposite. but if someone doesnt like who we are, that is in them?
@BelleMadre
“it’s because they want to take it”.
Sometimes it goes even beyond this. For some reason, twisted or otherwise, they NEED to take it that way.
This reflects the notion I’ve advanced before that someone can nurse something negative in their past enough that their reactions become less and less under their conscious control. The mindset, the feeling, the trauma “has them”, rather than them “having it”.
Nurse something dark for long enough, and a kind of “black hole event-horizon” is crossed, from which there is no return. The illness, the trauma, the past, the feelings and emotions are in control: not the person.
@griz i feel like at some point, realizing, accepting and embracing that the bad things are over, that the past is past, that things are ok Now, is a good thing to do. hard but good. im trying, and trying to teach this lesson to my son. we are here now. that is part of our story and we still live with the effect but its not what is happening now, so we can live better for realizing this.
a lot of things are easier said than done, but we can try!
Being offended is becoming the new thing.
Safe places, stuffed animals, etc – makes me sick.
Because this happens: http://www.kiro7.com/news/local/portland-to-drop-lynch-in-school-names-due-to-racial-implications/567562793
@Fletch
Controlling others like this with your offense (emotions) is an energy-procurement game, and deserves to be called what it is: a form of emotional abuse.
Is the day coming when I can no longer order my coffee black, for fear of some random person’s (hair-brained) hair-trigger?
That story from Oregon has a rather elegant solution. If the district wants to rescind the honor they paid to the Lynch family for a magnanimous donation of property, simply refund them the current market value of that property.
Tell them that the last name they didn’t choose to have, disqualifies them from being recognized for magnanimous deeds.
@griz
the pussification of our country – and I mean mostly the younger male population.
@Fletch
Part of it is “taught” by feminist teachers and mothers who want to try to alter the nature of young boys around them to be more like girls so they will “feel less threatened” by them. (Which BTW tends to backfire into more and more men exhibiting violence towards women as the changed forced upon them grates against their default nature they’ve been told is “faulty” and they have to deny . . . manifests with a vengeance against their oppressors.)
But part of it is chemical as well. Plastics and plastic by-products (micro-granules) in the environment are estrogen-rich . . . and BPA that still lines most plastic and tin food containers and is used as a plastic softener for years in many children’s chew-toys is an active suppressant of the male gamete.
@griz also taught in youth sports – I coached my boys soccer and baseball teams for 12 years – and the leagues are adamant about everyone getting equal playing time, everyone gets a trophy, etc. They are teaching our kids that competition is OK as long as everyone is not embarrassed or offended or feel like they lost. I’ve had to tell my team “don’t score so much, don’t try so hard, don’t make them feel bad for losing”. I heard moms from the other teams say my kids were bad sports because we always won (not always, but you get the point)
My big thing was teaching them whether you win or lose, you always show good sportsmanship, which is the backbone to youth sports.
Huh. So avoiding offence can thus lead to mediocrity…
You know what I think? Rather than trying not to offend and teaching kids not to offend (and this is just something I was taught as a Baha’i, I don’t know if I’ve seen this idea anywhere else) – teach them to never get offended themselves! If everyone learns not to get offended, then problem eliminated! It’s like treating the cause of the disease instead of managing all the silly little symptoms.
@georockstar09 I like the idea, but it’s the parents who are teaching their precious little Johnny that if anyone says anything or does anything to offend you, go to your safe space, grab your stuffed animal, and pretend it’ll work itself out.
@georockstar09
I think you’ve hit a very important nail right on the head here.
The only person you can really control — are “authorized” to change — is yourself. If YOU take offense (particularly one that isn’t offered), YOU are the one who needs to change: because you are taking something that wasn’t offered to you!
And even if someone says something with the intent to offend, they are seeking to control you. Just don’t let them!
Growing a bit of a backbone and some thicker skin, (changing yourself) solves both of these issues. (Plus gives a tender heart a protected place to flourish; vs having a thin skin and a thick heart!)
The problem is that we are moving deeper and deeper into a mindset where feelings are what controls us rather than us controlling them. They “have us”, rather than us “having them.
Pop-culture MAY think that controlling all the rest of the world and everyone else in it (as to what they can say or think, or the words they are “allowed” to use) is easier than simply learning to control themselves.
But in this, is one of modern society’s saddest admissions of failure of the individual.
@georockstar09
That’s like saying instead of avoiding carcinogens, people should just stop getting cancer.
@luftballooneyegouge No, it’s like saying, instead of easing the pain of a rash from ringworm, get rid of the ringworm, kill it. (happened to me irl. Doctor didn’t know what it was, prescribed hydrocortisone for the itch and some anti-allergens, instead I used anti-fungus medication and eliminated it. TMI, but a good metaphor)
@georockstar09
What you said about teaching children to never be offended over avoiding offensive actions, would be closer to saying to treat the rash, say if it were on the hand, would be to remove the hand.
Why eliminate emotions instead of teaching children about emotions and how to propagate a healthy relationship towards emotions? Which seems in reach currently? Which one sounds like a dystopian nightmare?
@luftballooneyegouge OK, so my idea probably deserves a more complete explanation: It’s not about suppressing or denying feelings, it’s about instantly forgiving a person when they do something that you would consider offensive. That’s a very hard thing to do, granted, especially when another person’s actions and words seem to threaten our well-being, but once a given situation is over and resolved, instead of holding onto a grudge, just let go of it and move on to more important things – rather than seek vengeance, which is the opposite of forgiveness.
Most importantly, when someone tries to insult you, don’t respond by insulting back or exposing what an awful person he/she is. Just step back, analyze the situation, determine why the person did or said what they said (Does he get irritable when he’s overheated in the sun? Do I need to take a more humble stance so that she feels comfortable about sitting next to me? Instead of complaining that the other team wins all the time – as per Fletch’s case – should I train my own team harder?). Once you’ve analyzed the situation, try to take care of it in a just and equitable manner (Should I just let it slide? Should I tell them, privately and politely, that their behavior is causing me problems? Or, maybe, should I consider the fact that they might be right?)
So to recap, which is the healthier thing to do? To take offence, and thus act upon that offence via retaliation or holding a grudge? Or forgive the person, step back, analyze, and try to resolve the situation so that everyone gets justice?
@georockstar09
That’s teaching forgiveness, not teaching someone to never be offended.
How do you make the leap from offense to revenge? One can be offended without an urge for retaliation.
Obviously holding a grudge & seeking vengeance are going to be the less healthy.
So to recap, holding a grudge & seeking revenge gives one ringworm.
@luftballooneyegouge Well, if you instantly forgive someone, then that means you are not taking offence, you are letting it slide.
When you take offence, you have several courses of action you can take, one of which is vengeance (Call me fat? *POW*!), along with other courses of action like holding a grudge, or or giving the person a piece of your mind, etc.
@Fletch
There used to be more of an acceptance that some were better at some things and others were not. But that there were always balances to this. And the male psyche understands this; and is actually driven by this to be the best one can be at whatever they put their hand to.
I would probably get fired from Google for saying this, but this is something many women cannot understand and are not driven by to the same degree men tend to be. Yea, it’s perhaps “not fair” that one person rises to the head of some bazillions-producing company and gets a salary to match . . . and someone else is just the best and most reliable sanitation worker, garbage-collector, high-steel worker, mine worker, body recovery specialist, plumber etc.
But men can deal with this and take care of what needs to be done without all of this hyperbole about “equality and fairness” (in some areas like rights, but not in others like responsibility!).
I understand that women were oppressed for a very long time, and this needed to be corrected. But oppressing particularly the young boys, and trying to force them into a role that is not natural to them, is NOT the answer.
Those who were oppressed . . . should be the last to want to oppress others. Especially those weaker than them.
I recognize that this might not seem on-topic for this thread. But the connecting-point is that this is one of the most notable examples of a social movement that has rode the bandwagon of “taking offense” to very great controlling dominance over the pop-mindset.
@griz
I get it. We tend to overreact when trying to ‘correct’ behavior.
How about we all act nice to each other? That’d work, no?
@Fletch
Maybe first, one has to learn what it means to be nice to themselves?
With “nice” not meaning just things that are “nice” for our emotions in the moment. There once was a pop-song (late 70’s?) that had the lyrics, “Cruel to be kind, but in the right measure”.
It meant that sometimes part of loving someone, meant saying/doing some things that might not be nice in the moment, but brought positive growth down the road.
@griz said
“Controlling others like this with your offense (emotions) is an energy-procurement game, and deserves to be called what it is: a form of emotional abuse.”
Who are they controlling? How is the renaming of anything equatable to any form of abuse whatsoever? When a corporation gets naming rights to stadiums with previous memorial names are they abusing the family too?
How is labeling the renaming of a building as abuse, not being overly sensitive?
@luftballooneyegouge
What they are NOT controlling is themselves. That has been substituted for trying to control others. Whether they succeed or not doesn’t negate that they tried.
Putting it in a framework of abuse is an invite to consider the process of energy vampiring that is endemic to our species; but often happening in ways that escape our notice.
In purchasing something like naming rights over an object, one has purchased authority over it.
So can one do this for a person? Purchase “rights” to them (Or even attempt to), without grossly devaluing them as a human being?
(And to return to the story here, I do believe that people still living were involved in this decision to rescind an honor.)
@griz
Your abstract answers seem to dodge my questions, or at the very least, need elaboration.
First you make the claim a group is controlling others. When asked who, your answer is the group isn’t controlling themselves. Dodge
First you say something deserves a label of abuse. When asked how, your answer is because of a common trait shared by all?!?!?!? Dodge/Huh
Naming rights does not guarantee managerial powers.
Yeah slavery is devaluing.
(And to return to the story here, I’ll make the bold bold statement that I Know that people “still living” are involved in all decisions,… those not “still living”…….. they don’t do much more than decompose.)
@luftballooneyegouge
I have been positively influenced over the years by teachers who left their answers abstract enough that I had to do some work to get to the truth. Something that one has to do a bit of work to acquire is more satisfying than something that is just plopped in your lap.
The first “dodge” relates to the notion that when you are trying to control others you are not controlling yourself. The “energy flow” is part of the context of any situation; but a part that a lot of people are not wanting to see.
Wanting to control others was at the root of insisting a word was offensive; and at the core of placating so they would go away.
The ” label of abuse” . . . Is also a family’s name. A family that did something truly magnanimous for the society in deserves the honor bestowed upon them.
So it is fair to ask, “What are we choosing to see focus upon?”. People who DID something wonderful? Or a word that triggers your emotions? So who in this equation is in need of more personal control over themselves??!
And you didn’t answer my question as to whether people should be excluded from any honor, just because some might choose to take offense to their last name?
Walk a mile in their shoes Mr. EyeGouge.
What if one of your ancestors had done something magnanimous for the society and had been commemorated; but then a group of disgruntled ophthalmologists came along with nothing invested except for their emotions in this moment came along and said, “Whoa! That denotes a violent ocular event and it offends us so we should rescind the honor so my feelings might feel better”.
Now imagine you had no choice in having that name.
@griz
Maybe you should start a kickstarter to get that family some counseling? The pain they must be suffering………
You said, “And you didn’t answer my question as to whether people should be excluded from any honor, just because some might choose to take offense to their last name?”
You NeVeR asked me that question. I guess that’s why I didn’t answer…….
@luftballooneyegouge
I realized it may be easier to treat one normal family picked on because of their name . . . than to deal with the hordes of silly people with tissue paper skin out to nurse their hair triggered offense reaction!
But encouraging them in rewarding their efforts is only going to cause them to breed! Is America really suffering a shortage of silly people??
You are right that I never asked you that question. It was in my first general response to this thread.
But it’s still a good question. Should we exclude certain people from recognition for magnanimous deeds, just because some might choose to take offense at their surname.
And I was so sure I was going to get at least some nibbles on the Mr. EyeGouge and disgruntled ophthalmologist comment!
@griz
I always suspected you were pro-eugenics.
@luftballooneyegouge
We could all stand to be better controllers of that which our mindsets and actions breed!
@griz
….HERDIN’ CATS MAN!!!!
@luftballooneyegouge
Even those who have gone catty can benefit from this!
@Fletch
HA! I just bought my first beanie babies at a garage sale. I got a duck and a monkey to ride on his back for $1.
Being offended is nothing new.
What is new is that people who previously just sucked it up, are now taking a stand.
How that equates as “pussification”, as the alternative is to quietly take abuse, just makes zero sense.
The whole notion that sports has to involve one winner and everyone else being a loser isn’t a life lesson. It’s elitist brainwashing. It takes athletic endeavors from the whole of society, to a select minority, & makes it more difficult for the people who need exercise the most to get any kind of institutionalized assistance.
Professional sports endlessly shows how this nonsense quasi-religion harms society and people much more than anything else.
Brain damage
Murder
Rape
Pedophilia
Gambling
Doping
There’s too much attention paid to this opiate of the masses, and too little attention on reality, but from ancient Rome, some have learned why. Some haven’t…….
@luftballooneyegouge
Here’s a thought. Just because someone offers us abuse does not mean we have to take it as abuse. To “be victimized”, the victim has to agree to play that role. Otherwise the victimizer is left trying to bluff against a superior hand; or do battle with a limp sword!
I think someone can take note, even public note if they wish, that someone has “tried”. (And in more noble exchanges taking note would be for the sake of helping them up to a higher path.)
But this is entirely different than taking public note that they have succeeded!
When we say one has “just taken the abuse”, we need to assess whether we are actually saying they have taking the abuse without an emotional outburst. This goes back to bully psychology, something few kids today are versed in. The surest way to invite more bullying, is to make it known that they have succeeded in controlling you.
So do you think there is such a thing as healthy competition?
Good score on your beanie baby!
Not! Mwa ha ha!! Have I psychologically controlled or abused you with this?? Are you going to just take it — or let me know I’ve succeeded?
Or was it just an unsuccessful attempt that fizzled against your shields and amounted to nothing?
@griz said
“Here’s a thought.Just because someone offers us abuse does not mean we have to take it as abuse.To “be victimized”, the victim has to agree to play that role.”
Yeahhhhhh, soooooo, ummmm,… here’s a thought: apply what you said… to rape.
Abuse isn’t offered. An offer gives an option of refusal.
Yes, there is such thing as healthy competition. Usually healthy doesn’t involve
Brain Damage
Murder
Rape
Pedophilia
Gambling
Doping
etc.
@luftballooneyegouge
You may not have a choice in the event happening.
But you have every choice in how you are going to respond to it. Particularly over time.
Victim or overcomer?
“Offense” ( or any other emotion) is not going to change that it happened, or heal the wound it caused.
If anything, it’s going to be the psychological equivalent of poking it open again every time it starts to heal.
@griz
Offense covers alot of ground, but derives from mental note defense mechanisms so that we won’t repeat previous actions that ended poorly.
The offensive whatever is avoided in the future more.
@luftballooneyegouge
But what is that ” action that ended poorly” was inevitable? Was simply “life”? Was simply relationship? Was simply people being people? Was simply the world operating beyond our control?
How many times have we personally put our mouths in gear before engaging our brains? Said something hurtful in a moment of emotion? Acted without due consideration?
Continuing to take offence at things just works against the individual in the long run.
Defense mechanisms are tripped all the time. Children can be afraid of clowns, strangers, loud noises, men with beards, not always getting their way.
But we mature and grow stronger; and fewer and fewer things trip our defense mechanisms.
The path of choosing to take offense, functions a lot like a retarding mechanism.
There is always offense to be taken . . . I suppose, if one craves walking through life wounded all the time.
@griz
That’s throwing out the baby with the bath water.
I love how you’re all the sudden above & beyond human emotions.
I love how a segment of our human society can whine, bitch, & moan,…..but they’re not taking offense, oh no. They’re beyond that. Their whining, bitching, & moaning about actions and occurrences that they don’t have a link to other than an internet link, isn’t a display of being offended. It’s about taking a stand, where others are just of course being offended.
Numbing-down & dumbing-down,… the well worn path……
@luftballooneyegouge
Emotion is still a part of me. It would be foolish to deny this; or to deny that they control me at times.
But too many times, the end result is far from ideal. I don’t mind having the emotions. I do mind them having me.
Taking a stand on quicksand is not wise. But our emotions and feelings can be far more treacherous than quicksand. They can be more like a storm-tossed ocean.
Try taking a stand on that and tell me that you won’t be all wet!
There are rational and effective ways to motivate social change. Offense, protest, and taking stands based on emotions and feelings can seem to yield quick results. Just like chugging a can of Monster Energy can yield quick results.
But it doesn’t last. There’s always a crash. Always a rebound effect. Always a price to pay afterwards.
@griz
I wouldn’t know. I dooon’t chug those meth demographic beverages.
Quicksand indeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaeeed…
@luftballooneyegouge
You know from Bear Grylls the best way to get out of quicksand is to take your underwear off?
i think awareness and compassion are important. i dont know if they are our responsibility but if offence is an effect of something we said or did, yes i think that is to some extent on us…
although, that being said, there is an element of doing what we want and need to regardless of what others think that is valuable sometimes. ok i dont know if valuable is the right word. maybe i mean, how much do we conform? or not conform? opinions are allowed to differ. the presentation and reaction might be more on us tho?
@BelleMadre
We can own the offenses we have delivered intentionally or accidentally . . .
Without being owned by someone who feels they need to milk the situation!
thats fair @griz . or we can own them and then do what we think is right with them. own and acknowledge and then say ok im letting that go now, like a sweater we know we might need but dont really need to keep looking at in the closet where we never use it but it sure is still there
You are not responsible for the actions, or feelings, or reactions of other people. When you know that someone is easily offended, use some measure of tact. I would not feel guilty about offending, if I did not mean offense.
Sometimes, I don’t think before I blurt out a statement that is not entirely true. The other night Immortal Pirate offered to wash dishes and I told him he did not have to. To that he asked, “Why wouldn’t I wash the dishes?” and I snapped, “Because you never help me.” As soon as I said it, it sounded insanely wrong. Immortal Pirate is always helping me and doing things for me. I quickly apologized. It was a silly remark. It was a thoughtless thing to say. In that case, I was responsible if he had been offended. My remark was unwarranted and undeserved.
I steer clear of people with mental illness. Although, in a phone conversation with a very Liberal cousin, she wanted to bash our President and give me one of her mean rants. As soon as I knew she was going to start ripping Trump apart, rather than arguing with her, I set the phone down and did not listen to her venting hatred and anger. I am not responsible for her hatred —— but also, I do not want to have to listen to it. Setting the phone down to wait for the hate-filled shouting to stop will save me from feeling offended. I consider her to have a CNN distortion of facts mental disorder. I am not going to get in a heated debate. I don’t debate well and I am not good at changing someone elses opinion. I am only responsible for my own feelings and opinions. I have full control over listening, or not listening to that which will offend me. She considers me as having a mental disorder of conservatism. I don’t keep up my end of the mean spirited conversation. So we leave it at that. She gets to vent and think she won. I can’t see what she won — because, after all those angry words and name-calling, Trump is still our President. Her tantrums don’t change anything. We simply have a difference of opinions.
When my birth mother was alive, she had an extreme mental disorder. Most of the time she was in her own world. She did not know who I was. She did not know that I was her daughter. I would ask her who she thought I was, then go along with her answer, as if she was right. Being wrong upset her, so why upset her? If she thought that I was a nurse, I would pretend to be a nurse. If she thought that I was a Social Worker, then I would be that. She had her own reality that did not agree with real reality. In the real reality, it did not matter if she knew who I was. It only mattered that I was there for her and made sure she had care and supplies to be comfortable. That was real mental illness and I did not want to argue with her and make visiting her unpleasant.
@ladybarbara I usually use the “my religion forbids talking about politics” ticket to get out of political debates and exchanges of insults. I’ve noticed that a lot of other people like to avoid the subject as well, especially here in the US, as it is such a divisive subject at this time, when instead we should be trying to unite as a nation and figure out solutions to problems ourselves – instead of insulting and taking offence back and forth.
Out of curiosity – haven’t been here in a while – where you known as Stinky Henry on the previous Soul Pancake website?
@georockstar09 Yes, I was StinkyHenry and Immortal Pirate was EmeryPark. We got together on SoulPancake and we are still together.
@ladybarbara Hah! Thought so! I remember a lot of your stories from SP. You’ve had an interesting life
@georockstar09 My religion forbids talking about politics and I do it anyway!!!!
@ladybarbara said
“You are not responsible for the actions, or feelings, or reactions of other people.”
One IS responsible for how one’s own actions effect the actions, feelings, and/or reactions of other people.
No. How one reacts to offensive comments is their own responsibility. Grow some fuckin’ skin…
@immortal_pirate OK, I’m not offended by your comment.
You are never responsible. As the phrase implies people “take” offense. They choose to be offended regardless of your intent.
@zuul said
“You are never responsible. As the phrase implies people “take” offense. They choose to be offended regardless of your intent.”
One does bear responsibility for one’s actions.
If I come up to you, in your face, and aggressively say “Hey you piece of shit, your face needs to be kicked repeatedly”, do you really have that much of a choice on how your on-the-spot feelings will respond?
Wouldn’t I bear the responsibility for my actions?
@luftballooneyegouge Yes you are responsible for your actions and also for your words. Do not conflate the two, and please don’t confuse what you “feel” with something that’s real. Whatever you might say to me I would have to consider the source. If on the other hand you try to put actions to your words there is the 2nd amendment.
@zuul
I’m talking about cause & effect. If one is the cause of the effect, one is responsible. I’m not conflating anything.
Feelings are real.
Isn’t pain real?
@luftballooneyegouge Pain is a sensation.
@zuul
Yeah, & vision is a sensation too, but what to your thinking means that sensation or feelings aren’t real? What do you mean by real?
@luftballooneyegouge There is an old saying or perhaps you might consider it
a proto-meme which begins “sticks and stones . . .”, you probably know the rest. As regards sensation vs. “feelings” and the reality of each, here is an example that may help you to understand what I am trying to say. If you are standing in front of a powerful loudspeaker and someone speaks into the microphone in a language you don’t understand you may feel pain and your hearing may actually be damaged due to the loud volume of the sound regardless of the fact that you did not understand what was spoken. The pain in your ears is a real sensation and the damage caused is real. Cause and effect in action. If you are standing in a room with someone and they speak in a normal volume in a language you do not understand you will not feel pain and no damage will be caused to you by what they have said, even if what they said was the most vile insult you could possibly imagine. Their words did not cause you pain or damage you. Now suppose that person in the room with you and speaking at a normal volume repeats the vile insult in your native language. You are trying to tell me that their “words” can cause you pain but that is not the case. It is the interpretation of what they have said and the power you give to their words and/or their opinions that allows your “feelings” to be hurt, not their words themselves. Your “hurt feelings” are the result of some sort of internalized dialogue you are having with yourself and the pain you say you “feel” is self inflicted, not caused by whatever was said.
@zuul
…..only works if you cut the definition of pain in half.
As for the old saying, “sticks & stones”, I’m not going to be very impressed with children’s mantras, when the majority of children who say this end up crying to whoever, that so&so wouldn’t stop calling them names.
Thanks for the apples & oranges.
I guess we should change our libel/slander rules to only apply to that which is put through loud speakers at deafening volume.
Good people will always feel more guilty than they probably should. It’s part of what makes good people, good people.
The trick is to concentrate more on the oncoming responsibilities than things we were responsible for in the past. Learn from the past. Discomfort is a potent reminder. Just don’t dwell…
Like riding a bike, you just think about where you’re going now, and not about that time you fell,…. as much.
I don’t think that we are responsible for worrying about everyone else’s feelings constantly, but I do think that we should take care to make certain that we are treating others the way we want to be treated. Even if I didn’t mean to cause someone distress, if I did, I will apologize. Whether the intent was there or not – to me, is not important. I can listen to someone else’s feelings and accept their feelings without the need to validate my own position on whether I agree with those feelings or not.
I don’t know if that made sense. It’s a bit of rambling. I guess my short answer is: Did I offend you? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to. End of story.