Yesterday, headlining Yahoo was Gwyneth Paltrow’s statement that she is in an “adult relationship” for the first time in her life. What do you make of this? Gwynnie went on to explain none of her other relationships demanded this type of intimacy and communication from her.
relationship q’s:
At what age should people begin dating?
what qualifiers are there for an “adult” relationship?
is the institution of marriage outdated?
if monogamy and polyamory are on a spectrum, where do you fall?
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13 responses to “Relationships”
At what age should people begin dating?
Dating is a weird bribery ritual.
what qualifiers are there for an “adult” relationship?
PUUUUUUUUBES aka fertility & I suppowsee by this fucked society’s standards, access to
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is the institution of marriage outdated?
Nahhhh, but humans are bad at honesty with themselves.
if monogamy and polyamory are on a spectrum, where do you fall?
…tryin’ not to fall.
@luftballooneyegouge by the standard, probably. I think of it as when both people are attempting to at least practice a degree of emotional health.
@Scarlett
I think that’s a ‘healthy relationship’.
An ‘adult relationship’ to me is a whole different catagory which can be labeled things like an ‘unhealthy adult relationship’ or “they deserve each other”.
Whenever they understand what that is and when they feel comfortable.
I’m not even sure what “adult relationship” really means unless we are just talking about one that is more serious and requires more responsibility.
I can’t say it is truly outdated if so many people want one and go through with it, but maybe we should reexamine what it means to be married?
I fall somewhere between “not interested” and monogamy. I don’t think I could even entertain the idea of polyamory.
@yin I think of it as when the two or more people involved are practicing emotional health, where it is no longer some needy, codependent thing, or they aren’t playing house, or they aren’t trying to resolve drama from their childhood.
I feel like polyamory is the next thing that society is going to have to learn to accept. some people truly are polyamorous, but I myself am not one of them.
Is dating a pseudonym for having sex, or is it the courtship ritual that permits the participants to determine if there is potential for partnership?
Sex has to be a part of determining compatibility, because it just might be the greatest non verbal communication device to ascertain complete comparability. Not the only thing, but an important thing
So, dating should start as young as 5 if its about learning how to socialize and learning how to live in harmonic balance. You start simple and learn how to get along with many and eventually as you evolve through the process you learn to find that harmony with a single alternative entity. Pet’s can be thrown in as part of the learning process, but one must not go overboard in developing non verbal communication skills, especially if one likes chickens or sheep for pets.
An adult relationship is one where conflict is accepted as normal and the participants are mature enough to find equitable, consensual resolutions.
Marriage as a ritual yes. Outdated. But marriage as an institution? No. Marriage enables the establishment of synergy. The total is greater than the sum of the parts. If you can’t do that on earth, how the fuck can you do it in the ever after. Earth is practice in learning how to manage synergy.
Last question has shifted over time. I am 100% intentionally monogamous now and that has come from a palate that has been refined by experience. I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that I have the best partner possible and far more than I deserve. For some strange reason, she seems to feel exactly the same way. It’s kinda adult. That is the recipe for a relationship that will never stop evolving and we all know if something isn’t growing; it’s dead.
@spitfire3dc I liked this response. what do you consider peaceful conflict resolution? I learned some techniques for this. one was to sit knee to knee and hand to hand and discuss. another was to speak as softly as possible. Another was to offer a number on your need. say your wife wants you to clean the garage, but you want to watch baseball, you ask-on a scale of 0-10, how important is it for you for me to clean the garage? whoever has the highest number gets their need met.
in what ways do you feel your r with your wife is growing now? can you give specific examples? do you do something to help it grow?
@Scarlett Peaceful conflict resolution is really about listening. Listening and hearing are two different things. To really listen, one must be active, not passive. Active listening skills include asking questions very specific to what you are hearing. If you are listening you acknowledge statements, you encourage more details, you probe for better understanding. You don’t just wait for an opening to get you POV expressed. Really, it is about starting with the premise that you want to find a consensual solution, not “win” or score points for your own personal tally.
We grow when we take interest in what the other is doing. I’m probably my wife’s biggest fan of a number of things she does. She still motivates and encourages me. Every time I take the time to recognize her efforts, our bond grows a little bit stronger. Its like exercise in many ways. You work the muscles and they just get stronger. You don’t and they atrophy.
We have been together about 38 years. The first half was pretty much going through the motions of what we thought partnering was all about. Can’t be helped. We think as children when we are “children”. About midway we had a crisis. The crisis allowed us to stop, see what we had and make a decision and I can recall the exact moment that it took a turn for the better. The moment was illustrated by the recognition that she was entirely willing to sacrifice her happiness for mine. it wasn’t a fake gesture. It was a genuine act of selflessness that hit me like a lightning bolt. It woke me up like nothing else ever has. That genuine consideration for the other is the thing that grows a relationship.
When both are contributing towards the needs of the other as their priority, something happens in the middle that both share. The only thing I can call that is love. Love is not something you get or give. It is something you share and that energy is only created when two or more combine towards feeding that centre through the expression towards the other.
As a tangent; this is how relationship with God works. When you work on the premise that you are loved by God; you can love right back and generate that central energy. Its a tangible, chemical, reaction that you can experience. That power is not experienced by atheists, because they are not contributing towards the other and the self fulfilling prophecy that God does not exist is a truth…for them.
@spitfire3dc these are all great points. And and addition to your listening suggestions, I would say to consider what is at the core of an expressed need. For example, your wife is telling you that she needs you to give your opinion on her cooking, it cold be s sign she needs words of affirmation.
Or for other couples what is at the core of a fear of cheating, could it be that the person fears they are not lovable, which If anyone cores that, they will realize it is patently false.
When they are ready to marry and consummate said marriage.
This most likely pertains to Gwyneth Paltrow’s comment, and I don’t really know what she meant.
No.
There are only two ethically viable options. 1) Celibacy outside of marriage and 2) Monogamy within a marriage of two human beings of the opposite gender (with a scientific definition of gender being such that there are only two)
I fall in option 2.
At what age should people begin dating?
I don’t know, maybe 15, or so. It is a way to start getting to know yourself, what you want in a mate, and how to get along with another person.
what qualifiers are there for an “adult” relationship?
Learning that no union is perfect and there will be conflicts, but the relationship does not need to be “trashed” every time there is a problem. It is not all good times. It requires getting through the bad times together.
is the institution of marriage outdated?
I don’t know. For raising children it is the best relationship condition. Children need to feel secure and having parents that are married —- together with a legal contract —- makes children feel like the world they live in is not going to suddenly change and their support system isn’t going to suddenly abandon them.
if monogamy and polyamory are on a spectrum, where do you fall?
I am 100% monogamous.
I have seen alternate ways of living in relationships. I’ve seen cheating spouses. I have seen “swinging couples” and wife-swapping. I have never seen those arrangements work out for couples.
@ladybarbara thats what a lot of therapists say, they don’t work out.
“At what age should people begin dating?”
I dated in first and second grade, lol…
That aside, after puberty they can date. Typically this is hard set among the more major social group as twelve for boys. (Yes that came from the bible, and girls did not need that,)
“what qualifiers are there for an “adult” relationship?”
That is per each person, and within the realm of what is legal in one’s society.
“is the institution of marriage outdated?”
Not at all. I think sex might become outdated if we change into a new species.
“if monogamy and polyamory are on a spectrum, where do you fall?”
I have one wife who is physical, but also spiritual. And then I have two major friends “who are girls”. Zero getting sex in the way, or even having any kind of thought about them “in that way”.
One I have known for about ten years. The other I guess about eight years now, maybe seven.