I am at a loss for words when my boyfriends child demonstrates some behavior that is alien to me, and it looks to me as if he has sprouted three heads, and I don’t get to have a voice in the behavior.
I feel strongly that I would handle the behavior much different than his parents, which for me would be done in kindness and lovingness, but also using resources I know can help. However, when I see it I just sit there speechless sometimes, because as a step, I don’t rele get to have a voice in this child’s life.
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22 responses to “When are you at a loss for words?”
That’s a challenging situation. And not necessarily challenging in a bad way.
Personally, I don’t see how someone can love another person and not also love their child. The child is a part of them and you don’t just love a part of a person. Love is a commitment. An all-or-nothing kind of commitment.
That said, loving your boyfriend means respecting that you are the one “adopted” into the pre-existing family structure.
And if the youngster is astute, he will recognize when something he does rocks you back on your heels. Build the relationship and overtime he may welcome your input on it.
And talk to your boyfriend about it too. Let him see that the depths of your love for him include love for his child. See what parental “authorities” he is willing to grant you over the boy.
To take an authority that is not granted you (by either of them) will not work out well in the long run. But that doesn’t mean you cannot set some ground work in the meantime.
People can tell when you love and respect them and this opens doors.
And there is a skilled dance between waiting for doors to open and knocking on them asking for them to be opened.
And always lean towards not undermining the parents’ authority.
You can disagree with a biological parents decision or actions and still show a child that you love and respect both them, in the environment that produced/ nurtured them.
Even if that means a bit of psychological gymnastics in saying that you respect their role as their biological parent; and will not be in a position of undermining that. To disrespect someone’s parentage is to disrespect them.
I’ve had to say something similar to this countless times when I worked with children at the camp. There could be evidence of them being truly vile parents (within the constraints of the law of course). But I would refrain from bad-mouthing them or joining the child in badmouthing them.
My stance was, “They produced you and I think you are pretty awesome. That means that in some way, they must have something pretty awesome about them”.
And I found that most kids could respect that. Indeed, they were attracted to it; and over time would award greater and greater authority to what I offered.
@griz Most everything he does is not directed at me. It is directed at other kids. He basically was in a war zone at his moms, so now his survival mechanism has become his problem because he doesn’t know how to read his environment
@Scarlett
I grew up in a bit of a psychological war zone myself. And I needed help in learning that the survival tactics I had exercised to good effect there, didn’t belong in “peace zones”.
They didn’t belong and they actively worked against me.
Without realizing it, I was using “what I was good at” (warfare) to try to turn every uncertain situation into a zone familiar to me. A zone I knew I had some skills in.
But it was all very ” vicious circle”.
It is terrifying to a child to ask them to give up or even amend tactics that have helped them survive up until now.
He will need a lot of patience and understanding to break out of old patterns while playing catch-up to adopt new ones that other kids are already proficient in.
Let him see the sparkle in your eyes that says, “You’ve had some tough breaks kid; but I see a lot of promise in you!”
@scarlett, Set clear boundaries and say NO.
@immortal_pirate Sound advice
you could have a voice in his life. get him to respect/trust you first, then you can talk to him openly.
or you could think ‘not my kid, not my problem’.
remember it takes a village to build up our children, but it also takes a village to destroy them.
@Fletch I have not yet made my decision to stay so I’m trying to conduct myself in a way that is not like an extra parent. This was advice given to me by a children’s counselor, but if I do stay what you say sounds solid.
I know the position you are in and it is hard to stand back and be quiet in kindness and loving the three-headed dragon boy. Have a talk to your boyfriend. Not in the middle of the drama, but rather, at at calm time when there is no drama.
I had my share of stepson troubles. I understood that the misbehaving towards me was out of the child’s own frustration of not being able to be the bond that brings his parents back together as a couple again. It is the desire of every child that has to survive in a divorce. The “new woman” in Dad’s life gets in the way of the child’s main goals. It is hard to stand aside and allow the parents to handle situations with their child —– especially, if you would handle them differently. If your goal is to be loving and understanding, then just be that. The child will come to see that you are being kind.
In my step-parenting, there came the night of a big 12-person dinner party of my husband’s friends. My husband had me cook one of my best meals and he bought expensive china and the most beautiful set of crystal wine glasses I have ever seen. The dinner table was set beautifully in it’s elegance. The mother of my stepson had just arrived to take the kids ( both mine and hers) to her house. Suddenly, her son threw a heavy baseball on the table. It bounced and broke china and the wine glasses. The boy picked up the baseball and threw it in the other direction, breaking more plates and wine glasses. I was so hurt by that behavior. I was relieved that the ex-wife saw how her son was misbehaving. She grabbed him from behind and gave him a slapping and a good talking to. I cried, but stood in shock of what happened. The look on my face said it all.
My husband reacted by saying it was just china and glassware and he would buy more —– but for now —– he would take everyone to a restaurant and make good of the dinner arrangements. To his naughty son, he gave him a look that said the boy had disappointed him. ——- That was it!!! That is all the punishment the father of the boy would inflict.
The mother of the boy gave him hell for his behavior. She told him that he should stop his actions against me. There were other actions that she was also referring to. The boy regarded me as the enemy that was in the way of getting his mother and father back together. Whatever she said or did to correct him, he did not treat me badly after that. He treated me with polite toleration. Eventually, we became friends. I had to stand back and allow his mother and father to handle situations with him.
Some of his misbehavior towards me involved “accidentally” shooting me with wrist-rockets and pellet guns. I would get wounded. I only reacted as the wounded would. I cried. I oozed blood. I was treated for the wounds. I stood aside as his father corrected him. I felt like the outsider in the situations. It went without having to say it that I did not like being his target. The boy knew that he was hurting me. After the dinner table china and glassware breakage and the punishment and talking to by his mother, I did not get mistreated again. On a camping trip, when a bear came into our camp and I was up a tree in fear for my life, my stepson went for a shotgun and shot the bear. He saved my life!!! So, our relationship had redeeming moments.
In my case, the father was handling the misbehavior by letting his son know that he was disappointed in the bad behavior. I wanted him to do more than that, but my part was to be quiet and let his father do what he thought would correct the boy.
I once heard my oldest tell my stepson, “Don’t make Mom mad at you. She will throw the kitchen stove at you!!!” —– however, the stepson never got to see my temper. I do not know how I held back from walloping that boy. But, my way was wrong and I am glad that I stood quietly back from punishing him.
@ladybarbara Oh my, that’s terrible. I am walking a fine line here because I don’t want to get too involved in his behaviors. So far most of his behaviors aren’t toward me. They are directed at other kids and it rele causes problems. I try not to get to close to it because I’m not sure I’m staying in this situation
When I’m interrupted by inappropriate comments and lose track of what I’m saying. When I know that I’m around people do this to me I try my hardest to remember what I’m saying so as to be able to finish my statement(s)
@Jear77 It sounds like you’re around people who have no idea how to listen
@Scarlett The problem is not “not listening,” but a misunderstanding of the importance what I’m saying. Even if it’s random conversation, even the best people would be thrown off if someone says “masturbation” randomly in the middle of a conversation.
im not very good at dealing with negative conflict in person, in public. like at work if some conflict is happening, or if people are acting in anger as opposed to constructively. i clam up and just function. but im boiling on the inside. so i dont know if its loss of words as much as loss of voice of words. probably a good thing because when i am faced with really negative attention i stammer and what words do come out probably do more to vent than actually communicate. so silence is better if what comes out doesnt make sense. that being said i am quick to defend if needed. like if the conflict is btwn 2 other people (which can often be the case in caring for people with dementia symptoms…) i can sort of interfere in a gentle constructive way if needed…. distract and diffuse. but if its towards me, i Feel defensive but cant say it. you know?
@BelleMadre I understand. I think this is where we have to choose a different way again and again until a new pathway is formed, but in the meantime we still have to deal with feelings.
I am at a loss for words when I see a person so obtuse and closed to considering any alternatives.
I’m at a loss for words when I sometimes display those characteristics myself. The thing that might make it different for me is that when I stop and recognize the behaviour, it triggers an opening of a crack in the door.
I’ll give you an example. I was convinced this specific client was a total dumbass. I questioned my right to make that judgement and although I could write a very long list of reason, I still knew that this guy’s heart is in the right place.
He frustrates everyone he meets. The more aggressive suggested psychiatric treatment which he was given an ultimatum to take or lose his job.
I have had many stops and starts with this guy because I want to humiliate (as in display my humility) when I recognize this “loss of words” experience, but no matter how hard I try to open the door, I always end up slamming it shut when my sense is that I am in the presence of stupid. Even though he is cheerful, smiling, other centred…it rarely feels like anything can penetrate past the superficial.
When I detect an attitude like that, I just shut down, mostly because I prefer to say nothing, if I can’t say something good…and I’m not saying that I have always been successful in that endeavour.
@spitfire3dc I think it’s okay to be at a loss for words in the situation described. It seems as though that individual isn’t ready, so your gifts would be much more productively used to focus on those that are ready.
Kid needs a good nanny.
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@luftballooneyegouge well I was thinking he needed less lasseiz faire parents, but now I see him more as a traumatized being.
Not sure why you don’t discipline him.
@Weenis I discipline him when the parents aren’t around. I give some input when they are. Since I don’t know if I’m sticking around, I don’t want him to think of me as a surrogate parent. I want to maintain my relationship with him at a place where he won’t be damaged if I leave, nor I.
@Scarlett
If you don’t know if you’re sticking around or not, why are you continuing to stick around? Seems like you’re just opening yourself up to be hurt.
I am at a loss for words when I realize that my words don’t matter.
Being in a relationship with someone else’s children can be challenging. Heck, sometimes it’s challenging with a couple’s own child(ren). In any situation, I think working towards a place of mutual respect and cooperation for how that child is raised and coming together on agreeable values that you – as a couple, want to instill is a good place to start.
Your own children are a good example of the type of parent you are. Your bf should recognize that and value your input. And as a step, you do get to have a voice in a child’s life. That child is a part of your life and will be affecting your life – therefore, your voice should matter. If it doesn’t, perhaps the situation isn’t for you.